4 OFFICIAL years

Tomorrow is our 4 year wedding anniversary. I feel jipped when I say that because we have actually been together 9 years and that is a hell of a lot longer than 4. No matter really I suppose. After all, I'm only 24.
D turns 26 on Sunday. It's freaking me out that he's closer to 30 than 20 now.
What is really weirding me out is that in September I will be 25, which is by NO means old, or even close to it. So I'm not sure why it's bothering me. Nevertheless, it is.
Just a bit though.
Really.

When I met D 9 years ago we were both in high school. I had *just* turned 16 on the 5th of Sept. I was not allowed to formally date until the age of 16 per my parents very strict rules. :)
My first date was with - you guessed it - D. It was Sept 20th, 1997. To be honest, I was sort of talked into it by my best friend who was dating his friend. I thought he was a cute guy, but a bit too short for my taste. Yes, the immaturity is apparent in that decision but I was only 16.
(For the record he is probably 1/2 inch to an inch taller than me, and I'm 5'9ish perhaps 5'10 if I really stand up straight.)
In the end I was pretty easily talked into going out on a double date. Though we were both painfully shy and hardly talked at all we had a decent time. I was unfortunately over an hour late (my curfew was 11 for this special occassion, it was usually 10) and I was subsequently grounded for 2 weeks. That was the ONLY time I was ever grounded. I suppose it was worth it.

I found myself in serious like with this boy I barely knew.

He has an identical twin by the way, who did not seem thrilled that I was butting in on their best friendship. A and I did not get along all that well for several years, especially when we all hit college, but it's all water under the bridge now.

We dated for a very long time; had some fights but never broke up. We mostly just had Firsts. We had so many firsts together. That is one advantage of meeting so young. You practically grow up together.
I am grateful for our firsts because I think it makes us stronger. More bonded somehow. We are part of each other's history.

We dated for 3 and a half years before we got engaged one early Christmas morning. It was another year and a half before we tied the knot. That brings us here to our 4th wedding anniversary. In the 4 years we've been married lots of things have happened. More firsts that I will always remember.
Our first apartment together. Our first cross country move from Texas to Virginia. I'm convinced it made our marriage stronger.
Our first new car. Our first "real" jobs; careers really. Our first house. Our first child.

Some I will cherish and some not, but they are ours - together. I can scarcely remember a time when he wasn't in my life. In fact, I rarely have a memory that doesn't have D in it.


We've had some rough times too, times when I felt like I'd made a mistake and I could tell he thought the same. Times when we didn't feel "in love." There were times when we were broke, times when we were scared, and plenty of times when we were sorry.
Even through those times, I knew we'd make it.

As time passes our love slowly grows. It's no longer new or particulary exciting most days. It is our life, our everything. It encompasses everything we do, the way we act, how we live our life. When Squishy was born I think it hit home to us that *this* is our family. Nothing can come between us.






I laugh at myself now thinking back sometimes. I think of how he was completely clueless about women and seriously unromantic. I laugh because in my naivete I thought of how I'd change him.
I'm sure you all know how well that worked.

Are there things I'd change? Maybe.
Ok - yeah - probably.
The fact that I love him just as much, even though those things won't change tells me we're going to hang in for the long haul.

I fully expect to be a little old woman sitting next to my wrinkled old man while he ignores me during a football game.

random stuff

HA - I just spent the last day trying to get into my account when my cookies reset on the computer. TIP - write down your password and user name somewhere.
In other news...
Well, my appointment was changed to Wednesday, so I went Wed and talked to the dr. She was very understanding, helpful and all that. She gave me a prescription of Clomid to try for the next 3 months. I am a little iffy about drugs in general, but maybe we won't need them. I'm not starting this month, not till next cycle. You have to take it cd3-7.
I am not at all sure that they will really help with my particular problem, but I guess it can't hurt to try. Hopefully we'll get pg on our own this month though. I go back at the end of June.

Dane's not sleeping. Penny puked in the house. Calvin is sick and not using his litter box. :X
Gag.
Guinness is a noisy eater. lol He eats during the night in his crate, but first he has to spill the food everywhere and roll around in it. ha ha. It's pretty funny, but not quite as funny at 2am. If Squishy would leave the dog food alone, I could take it out of the crate and Guinness would eat more during the day. Then he wouldn't need his nightly dog food bath and buffet. lol

The last thing D said to me before he walked out the door this morning was "that rug is really dirty. When did you vacuum last?" (it was Wednesday btw) but I really wanted to say "When the hell did YOU vacuum last?!" I bet it was many months ago. He's like "I was just trying to help!" I guess he doesn't see that helping is actually shutting up or vacuuming. Commenting is NOT helping!!
I guess you could say that lack of sleep and life's stresses make me crabby...

I am having a girl's night out tonight with a couple of other moms though. Lord knows I need it! If they bail I'm not going to tell Darren and I'll just go by myself. ha ha.

baby & puppy

I've been burying my head in the sand since January. We're obviously a fertile couple, Squishy was conceived on our first try and the baby we lost was conceived on the second try while still breastfeeding.
It's been 5 cycles since then and I've been letting nature take it's course, but now I believe that something is wrong. We've officially been trying to conceive for 200 days. That is a long time. I know there are lots of people who suffer from IF and for them 200 days probably doesn't seem like a long time at all. And maybe it isn't.
It sure as hell feels like it though.

I bit the bullet and called my dr today and asked for their nearest available appointment. So on Tuesday I'll find out if I am broken. Let's just hope that it's something easy to fix. Without going into details I am sure that the miscarriage messed me up hormonally.
I thought that I would at least be over it emotionally by now, but everytime I talk to friends who are pregnant and due at the time I would have been it stings - just a little. I should be 23-24ish weeks pg now and instead I s-t-i-l-l waiting.

OK - enough whining!

I'm watching a puppy this week. Such fun!! He is such a good boy. We are watching him for D's brother's girlfriend - C. (it would be so much easier to say fiance - but we're still waiting for that one!)
Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to get too attached since I know he's leaving in a little over a week. But he is so damn cute - and smart!! He hasn't had an accident in the house and has already picked up sit and no and fetch. He is so good with Dane and uber CUTE!! Look at that face. awwwwww




So - at least I know C is getting a good puppy. I'm sure they'll visit. :)

he's a SPY

Dane was up from 10:30pm - 2:30am last night. Then he was up at 5am. What the hell is up with this kid?

I think he's a spy sent to slowly torture us by lack of sleep and temper tantrums till we tell him what he wants to know, or give him all the pizza he can eat.

Sleepless in Huntsville

Why did I get the kid who doesn't sleep? Squishy is a great child. He is smart, funny, adorable and quite entertaining. He is generally pleasant and happy. But he doesn't sleep.
He doesn't ever sleep.
What the hell is up with that?

My hormones are raging, my eyes are burning from exhaustion, and I feel like smacking D upside the head and leaving Squishy to scream until he sleeps. (which is probably never) But I don't.
When he won't go to sleep or stay asleep or is up for hours in the godawful early morning hours I don't want to be a parent. I am ashamed to admit it, but it's true. I want to be single again and in my own huge bed. My own huge, quiet bed.
ALONE.
No Squishy pulling my hair and kicking me in the stomach. No D snoring annoyingly from his blissful sleep. (asshole!) No cat meowing to go out and no kitten curled up on my pillow. No dog licking herself till I feel the need to scream at her to shut up.
I just want to be alone and asleep. I. Miss. Sleep.

I coped well for the first 6 months or so, claiming that it would pass. The next few months I got a little frustrated, but figured that Squishy would figure it out eventually. Peacefully.
Now - 14 months later I just feel desperate. Desperate and tired.
We struggle at bedtime. I rock and rock and rock till I just about fall asleep myself. When he FINALLY dozes I slip him into his crib only to be greeted by him getting very pissed off. I lay him down a dozen, 2 dozen, half a million times until he finally gives in and puts himself to sleep because after 2 hours I am refusing to rock him anymore = I would rather scratch my eyes out. (not the picture of maternal bliss is it? )

Peaceful? I don't think so.

We've tried rocking, letting him put himself to sleep in his bed with us standing there, pick up put down, putting him to bed early, late, in between, skipping naps, not skipping naps, crying (that was awful and brief!), not crying. I swear to God we have tried everything. Even praying. At 3 am with bleary eyes and a weary body it seems like the best option.
I have always been of the opinion that babies sleep through the night when they are ready, but Squishy has been night weaned since January and still hasn't slept through the night save for maybe one time. He just wakes up for a reason I can't figure out. I want to be patient. I want to give him time to figure it out, but how long is he going to take? How long can I take it should be the question. *sigh*

I give up.
Oh yeah, except I can't cause I'm the mama.
Somebody's got to take care of this kid.

I'm going to bed while I have the chance.

Happy Mother's Day

Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day again. I don't think I REALLY appreciated my own mother until I was a mother myself. You just cannot understand it until you hold your own baby in your arms.

D and Squishy gave me Calvin for Mother's Day. Here he is:



He is super sweet and Dane adores him.

In regular news - Dane is turning into the pickiest eater. He just doesn't eat hardly anything anymore. He is getting SO tall and skinny. I was in shock when I realized he is no longer able to fit under the dining room table. In fact, he is taller than the table. He's growing so fast.

I'm feeling guilty for sitting here typing while he's wandering around playing, so I'm going to go attempt to teach him something.

A pleasant surprise

We were at a couple's house on Friday night and somehow the conversation veered onto breastfeeding. The couple has a ten month old, and the wife and I were talking about Costco (oh we live such an exciting life!!) and it was like "have you tried their formula, you can save so much." and "oh, we've never used formula" and "wow you breastfed the whole time" and the husband is like "it's so hard, blah" and the wife and I sympathize with each other over how it really IS hard those first weeks, and she was shocked that it wasn't natural.
I managed to slip in that it was about eight weeks (she stopped at two) before we started to see the light. I wish more people talked about that. She and lots of mothers might stick it out if they knew it was going to get better.
Ok - on enough rambling - and on to the best part of the story. :)

Aforementioned wife and husband said that their friend bf their child till about 1.5 years and D's twin, A is seemingly shocked by such an extended time. Granted he is unmarried and knows not a lot about kids, so I have to cut him some slack on that one. I don't expect a single, almost 26 year old, non-father to know a whole hell of a lot about breastfeeding after all.
ANYWAY (what is with my rambling tonight?!)
D says to him, "actually the WHO recommends 2 years, and" he turns to me, "what's that other one, oh the AAP, says a year minimum."
I was SO proud of him. I turned my husband into a breastfeeding educator. How freaking cool is that?

Breastfeeding is normal!

"Normal" Is A Very Scary Word
copyright Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC 136 Ellis Hollow Creek Road Ithaca, NY 14850

You've probably heard many times that breastfed babies are "healthier". That they have "fewer illnesses." That they have a "special" bond with their mothers. Maybe even that they tend to be "smarter". Some of those reasons may be why you decided to breastfeed.

The scary thing is, none of those statements is really true. Breastfeeding is merely the way human infants are built to eat, just as air is what they are built to breathe, or walking is the way they are built to move when they get older. Breastfeeding is nothing extra or special. Breastfeeding is just... normal.

Fine. So breastfeeding is normal. What's so scary about that? Ah, well if breastfeeding is normal, what happens when a baby is not breastfed? The scary reality is... he's much more likely to get sick, in infancy, in childhood, as an adult. His life expectancy is a little bit shorter and his IQ is a little bit lower. His relationship with his mother is different. In short, he suffers from not having a normal start to life.

You probably know breastfed people who are sicker than many formula-fed people. Breastfeeding is no guarantee. It's like the yeast in bread: every loaf turns out differently, because of different temperature, moisture, timing, kneading. But for any particular loaf, if you leave out some of the yeast it's not going to rise as high as it could.

Here's part of the scary list:

People who were not breastfed tend to have:

poorer vision
a lower IQ
more appendicitis
more breast cancer
more hernias
more diabetes
more childhood cancer
less well-developed nerves
a thymus smaller than normal during infancy
a less effective immune system
more trouble with cholesterol
more emotional problems
more intestinal disorders
more allergies
more risk of crooked teeth or underformed jaws
a higher risk of SIDS

Women who don't breastfeed tend to have:

more premenopausal breast cancer
higher anxiety
lower self-esteem
more osteoporosis
more cervical cancer
less pleasure in early parenting

There are about 13,000 studies showing problems with formula-feeding, so why haven't you heard any of this before? Maybe someone thought it was too scary for you, that you would feel guilty, that you wouldn't be interested, that it doesn't really matter that much. But wouldn't you rather know now, instead of finding out later?

Breastfeeding. It's just plain normal.

not loving it...

Well, after reading back my last blog with all the D and d and crap, I don't love the new name. SO d is forever going to be Squishy, at least until I decide to change my mind again. :)

SO - who takes care of me?

I've been sick. Not deathly ill, but my body aches and I have a fever and a headache and a sore throat. The only time I didn't want to cry was when I was laying down. I'm starting to feel better now, this must be a 24 hour thing.
So, as any reasonable person can imagine, I didn't feel like cooking, cleaning and doing all the things that get done on a regular basis.
The only thing I did was take care of d (formerly known as Squishy) and make sure he was fed and cleanish. In addition to that, I kept him entertained and I even managed to vacuum the living room and get up most of the dog hair that plagues us in the spring.
Other than that, nothing else was done. The dishes sat dirty on the countertops and in the sink. The laundry got wrinkled in the dryer and sat wet in the washer. Toys are haphazardly strewn throughout the house thanks to d. Unmade beds. Unmopped floors.
I think you get the picture.

Well, I must say that I am a pretty stellar wife and mother the majority of the time. Dinner is on the table when D comes home and the house is generally not a wreck. I pay the bills and run the house and take care of his flesh and blood. His chore list is substantially shorter than mine. When he's sick I make him chicken soup and baby him.
So, wouldn't you expect that I'd be cut some slack for about 24 hours??

I admit that he did take d outside to play and I got to take a long hot shower and lay in bed. He didn't even realize I was sick he said. :0
Then he proceeds to tell me that when I'm sick it's unfair because HE has to do MY job, but when he's sick I don't do HIS job. :0
Let me just say that he didn't do ANYTHING that is considered "my" job other than make dinner, which consisted of him warming up sphagetti from the night before. (which I made nonetheless!) Quite the chef, eh?!
He went off on a tirade when I asked him to change d's diaper that was drooping to his knees. Then proceeded to not do it at all.

I practically begged him to rub my back as it was killing me and he finally did. I still got up with d last night and made breakfast this morning and D complained when I asked him to change d's diaper again. So I ended up doing it.
He was mad that I was online downloading some pictures from a friend while HE was watching d. I guess he forgot that I also watched him and made his breakfast and fed him. Basically he thinks I'm lazy. I should quit. That would show him how much I do on a daily basis.

He left me crying as he went to work and feeling quite unloved and under-appreciated.
I should put a disclaimer that he must have a bee up his butt because he's normally a great guy and blah blah blah.
I don't feel like it though because he is being a jerk.
Where is my soft place to fall?

What a Woman!

I went to my Mommy Milk Group yesterday and one of our members had her baby boy. This is her 6th child, and she already has 5 daughters! WOW!

She is a birth doula and - this is the best part, are you ready? - She gave birth at home with just her husband and her 5 daughters helping. How Awesome is that?!
(Home births with a midwife in AL are illegal. $&@#* You can give birth at home though - by yourself. Wouldn't want you to have an experienced midwife with you... )
Anyway, though it's not the birth experience I would chose (I can just see D's face when I suggest it. :0 ) I give her huge props. What a wonderful birth story!