paranoia

I have a problem. I am constantly paranoid that I'm going to get pregnant.

It's enough of a problem that I'm thinking of getting on some kind of birth control, possibly the mini pill since I'm breastfeeding.
There are a couple of problems with that though:
1 - I have to remember to take the pill at the SAME time every day.
2 - I hate hormonal bc.
3 - I worry that it might screw with my milk supply.

I know Swistle wrote a post on this not too long ago. I read all the comments, but still couldn't come up with anything that is right for me.

Here are the options I'm considering:
1 - FAM *which I'm currently kind of doing, but not temping*
2 - mini pill
3 - condoms
4 - pull and pray
5 - a big baseball bat and a separate bedroom

I don't really love any of these options, (OK - except for maybe #5!) but a vasectomy is out of the question for now and an IUD is not an option for me.

The problem is that I'm not currently sure when we want to have #3. I'm very undecided. Some days it's "9 months from now!? Sure!!" Other days it's like, "maybe in 5 years."
Plus, yes, we want more kids, but I don't want to lose my mind any more than I already have. Also, I still want to lose 30 more lbs. AND we're busy. I'm breastfeeding. O is still a baby. We're moving. I could go on and on.
I don't think I have the space in my life just yet.

So, that's the rational side of me and it's all well and good until O giggles or I see those little thunder thighs and round cheeks. Or d kisses O's head and says "LOVE you baby O!"
It's those moments that make think that what we're doing (which is FAM, and pull and pray, or sometimes just pray...) is fine and OH, how I want more kids!! Maybe 2 more! Or 3!! Why not make it an even half dozen?!

Clearly, I am in no state to make decisions.

So, here I sit, always paranoid that I'm going to get pregnant before I'm ready, and also maybe secretly a TINY bit of me is hoping that will happen. All the while the extra 30 lbs of me screams "NO! Not yet!" and the rational part of my brains calmly points out that I must be crazy.

redemption?

Had D been the brainchild behind this lovely little picnic and movie night, he certainly would have gained redemption. However, it was not to be.
This was all my doing, and it was lovely. Plus, I could then say, "THIS is how you be romantic. Take notes."

Doesn't that train table make a nice little picnic table?

I should have lived in the 60's

D has informed me that I have become a hippie. I insisted we didn't circ our sons, I insisted on breastfeeding and suggested cloth diapering. I've recently switched to all natural deodorant, shampoo, sunscreen, soap, etc. I have stopped using paper towels and disposable feminine products. I'm into recycling and I'm liberal, which irritates him because he's not. But he is less conservative than when I met him 10 years ago.

I buy organic things when possible and was in heaven yesterday when we found an awesome farmer's market. I went on and on with glee about how I could make baby food! with fresh, local veggies! and I was so excited!! It was at this point he informed me that I was a hippie.

I don't really feel like a hippie. I still wear a bra.

and it all came to a head

last night. He could tell I was pissed. (duh!) He couldn't figure out why and said some stupid things. (I'm sure you're so surprised!)
We put it off till the kids were in bed. We were laying in bed, angry! Angry! ANGRY!! (that was me)
Him - ticked off, and confused and possibly a little scared and nervous.

We fought. And fought and argued and cried. (me again.) I almost slept on the couch, even though he should have.
Finally we were done with the anger and we talked. I still think he was an ass about everything, and he still doesn't get it.
But, we're OK now. We talked and tried to work things out and I suggested marriage counseling again. He wasn't into that at all, but I'm going to keep working on it. I think it would be good for us, it probably wouldn't hurt!
I won't be going on strike, but I will be asking him point blank to do more around here. He's simply too caught up in other things to notice when things need to be done. He can't remember the chores that are supposedly "his" so now we will just share all the chores. If he's home and I ask him for help, he will do it.

I'm hoping that will actually work as he says it will. All I can do for now is try it.

I'm still holding onto a little residual anger, but I just can't seem to help it. It will subside as long as he doesn't act stupid again in the next week. (!!)

This is probably TMI, but what is it about fighting and being angry that makes men want sex?! Seriously.
Do they ever think about anything else?

GAH!

I was hoping to avoid this whole messy strike thing. I tried to have a talk with D when he got home (very late...) from work. Long story short he ended up telling me that I need to do more around here, so he doesn't have to do so much.

I had to let it go, because the kids were around and I just couldn't have them see me kill him us fighting.

Oh, but it's on now.

Strike! Strike! Strike!

It's been coming for awhile. I'm going on strike. It's not just because of one days worth of idiotic comments by my dh, but nearly 3 years worth of strife over this issue. (ever since I started staying home and therefore, not contributing financially.)
I know that he knows he needs to help more because when we have company he does a LOT more around the house. A lot more.
This tells me that he is trying to impress them, but obviously doesn't give a rat's behind what I think of him.
Talking has been futile. It's time for action.

I will continue to clean the house as normal. I will not be doing any of his laundry, nor cooking him any meals. I will not go out of my way to do all the things I normally do for him on a daily basis.
Sex? Yeah, I'm so sure...

Ah,

When you get home late because you were playing football after work, it's NOT a good idea to say to your wife, "WHAT did you do all day?". Especially when you've been gone nearly 12 hours.
And then when you proceed to point out the sink full of dirty dishes and the pile of laundry on the bed, it's not a good idea to ignore the death look I'm giving you.

You have exactly *3* indoor chores, (trash, emptying the dishwasher and hanging up your laundry, which, btw - I did #1 today, #2 hadn't been done since MONDAY and I finally did that too {and you wonder why there are dishes in the sink?!}, and #3, well you want to wear wrinkles? fine.)
When I interject to remind you that you could help out, responding with "Well, I WORKED all day." is not a good idea. Not. A Good Idea. At. All.

addition

Dead battery on the keypad + lost cell phone + keys inside the house = locked out of house with 2 small children and the dog.

Thank goodness I have a friend in the neighborhood that I could walk to and borrow her phone. Even better that she was awake at 7AM. heh

phone call to D + him leaving work to let me in = mad D.

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d is finally learning to share and not push! woo! This is a very nice breakthrough for me. And him I'm sure.

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The builder we are using is on of the most economical in the area. You can buy a fairly large house for a decent price and it is not going to fall in on your head in 5 years. They don't offer a lot of frills, but we aren't "frilly" people anyway.

Now, on to the best part!! This probably makes me an evil person so you have been warned!
Yesterday we were at a playgroup at a friends house. I was in the kitchen when I noticed her countertops looked awfully familiar. Wait! Those are our countertops. And cabinets! And carpet! Paint color and wood floors too!!
Exactly the same.
Her builder was a lot more expensive though. This makes me cackle with glee because they use many of the same materials and we got a way better deal!! It was funny because a few weeks ago her husband was talking to D and trying to get him to use their builder as opposed to ours because they were "higher quality."

heehee

HP7

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

Your in-depth results are:

Hufflepuff - 15
Ravenclaw - 12
Gryffindor - 11
Slytherin - 7

Interesting...

HP7

For you HP fans out there, this book was one of JK's best! It was action packed the whole time and I simply couldn't put it down. It was a very long book at 759 pages, and I read it in just over 7 hours.
I have the whole series and I'm seriously considering re-reading the whole set someday in the hopefully not too distant future. They came out SO far apart that it's hard to remember all the details in the last 6.
If you haven't read it - go get it now!!

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In other news - O can scoot across the bed almost like he's going to get up and crawl any minute. This is mind boggling to me since he's only 3 mo old. I'll try to get a video later.

house!

I got pics of our house choices!! Feel free to skip if this stuff bores you. :)

This is the carpet. Actually, what we picked is a little lighter than this, but D just took a pic of the wrong swatch. heehee

Close enough. The walls are eggshell and the trim is white, though you really can't see the walls well in this pic.

The light fixtures are all cobblestone.

This is the roof color, and the brick color and shutters/front door color.

D snapped the wrong brick color, but it's essentially the same as that, with a Teeny Tiny bit more red in it. The shutters and front door are maroon.

These are the cabinets for the kitchen and bathrooms. The countertop sample on the left is the kitchen, called butternut granite. The sample on the right will be in all the bathrooms, I can't remember the name of it.

Closer view. Kitchen L, bathrooms R

Wood floors in the foyer and dining room.

Honey Oak.

Flooring in the kitchen & laundry room - top.

Flooring in bathrooms - bottom.

So, whaddya think?

O's baptism

It was lovely.

And the IL's visit was pretty good. It actually ended up being less than 24 hours

*edit*

It was a nice visit and the best part was going dress shopping with my soon to be SIL! She looked absolutely beautiful and did end up buying a dress. I have pics, but won't post pics of someone in their dress. What if A found it?! So, you'll just have to believe me when I say that she is gorgeous. I'll share a pic after the wedding. ;)

well

Today has kind of sucked.
Allow me to elaborate.

I needed to go to Target and bLowes to get and return some things before our 10 AM playgroup. It's POURING rain. I forgot the shirt to return and had to go back in the house for that. It starts raining even harder and O is screaming. (I should have just stayed home at this point.)
It's still pouring by the time we get to Target at 10:10 (remember our playgroup is at 10, so we're already late...) I get the kids out while d is screaming
"d hold U- brella!" He's only like, 3 feet tall, so you can guess which of the three of us got soaked.
Forgot the @#*$& @)R$&*$( shirt in the car so had to trek through the rain AGAIN to go get it.
Thank jebus that there was no line at returns.
Run through Target and get half the stuff I could find, and a new shirt. It's still pouring outside after checking out so I got nice and wet again. d thinks this is hilarious.
Get to playgroup at about 11AM. O starts crying immediately - he's hungry, no biggie. I feed him and try to command d to share, which did not go well. They had a balloon.
Enough said.
We had a quick snack and then d continued to not share and generally be an adorable little bully. I tried everything and finally resorted to "if you can't share, we will leave."
That lasted all of 10 seconds. So, on with the still wet shoes (after only 45 min!) and back to the car. Thank goodness it had stopped raining by then. I'm not sure who was actually being punished, cause I really needed some adult talk.

We had to stop at bLowes for something for D and there were NO CARTS in the entrance. One more reason that they blow. I got the crap, struggled to the check out and put d's shoes back on for the 13th time.(stupid croc knock offs...)

Finally! On the way home!!

d didn't fall asleep in the car though, which is his normal routine. So we eat a little lunch, lay down for a nap and over an hour later, STILL no nap. *I* need a time out at this point so I tell him to stay in bed (ha!) and go to sleep.
I sit down for a breather and I hear... nothing...
Could it be?! Did he fall asleep?

Probably not, but he's quiet and that's all that matters right?
About 10 minutes later I hear him playing in there and then he knocked on the door to come out. lol
I opened the door to find this:






Quiet is a dangerous thing.

I've already called D to beg him to come home and help me. I still have a mile long to-do list before company comes tomorrow. He didn't answer either phone. Damn caller I.D.

Cheap therapy

I feel better now. I made D watch the kids while I mowed the lawn. I know it sounds odd, but consider this: it's quiet. You're alone. You cannot hear any Call*ou-like whining or baby cries. It's time to think. Alone.
Did I mention it's time alone?
You should try it sometime.

Anyway, I feel a lot better now. Yes, *edit*, BUT so are O's godparents, who are newly engaged! There's nothing I love more than a little wedding talk. It's so exciting!!
It's going to be a nice visit. O's baptism is Saturday, and it's only a day anyway, so how bad could it be?
As long as we can skip any mention of our Sept vacay, things should work out just fine. I'm not going to stress. I just keep telling myself this even though I know I will. What is it about my IL's that does this to me? I can't quite put my finger on it, after all, they aren't bad people by any stretch of the imagination.
I can never quite figure out what it is...

In any case, I'm going to sit here and pretend that there is never any tension between us and that we are all going to have a lovely time. What you fear, you create - so I refuse to create bad mojo for this visit.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Happy thoughts.

And wine.

Do you know

Do you know what happens when you put dinner on the back burner away from little fingers and turn on the front burner out of sheer exhaustion, stupidity,or forgetfulness?

Dinner is frozen.

It's been one of those days.

But my MIL is coming to visit on Saturday, *edit*

busy, busy

I can't believe how much I've accomplished this morning! I walked for 30 min, then did my 20 min strength training workout, took D to work, went to Wal-Mart (spent $90), went to a garage sale (spent another $40 on an awesome train table), went to Target (and spent another $80- hope D doens't see this. lol), and then came home. I was home before 10:30 AM!! Now I still have to unload the car, but O was demanding some food first, so the groceries are waiting.
d is napping, which is unusual so early! I still have a ton to do though, so I guess it's good I got an early start. I forgot to eat breakfast too, so I guess I should go do that now...

Recipe question:
Sun dried tomato salad dressing - do you have a great recipe?

Optical Illusion

Don't believe everything you see.

Finally sitting

Do you have those days where you feel like you have so much to do and so little time to do it in? Today is one of those days for me. I rush around and do this and that and here it is halfway through the day and I finally decided I need to sit down. The kids are finally napping, lunch is over and half my attic is clean.
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I weighed in today. I'm still working hard on losing weight. I'm very pleased to say that I've lost 32 pounds since O was born!! GO me!!
Since I started the YOU program 2 months ago I've lost 13.4 lbs and 17.5 inches. I have reached the halfway point!! I'd like to lose 2x as much weight as I've already lost, and then I'll re-evaluate. My short term goal for now is to lose 6 more lbs by July 31st. That's only 2 weeks, so it could be a lofty goal. I'd like to lost 16 lbs by the time we go on vacation in mid September. That's 8 weeks. That's 2 lbs a week, so I really can't mess around.
I'm planning on joining the gym for the next 3 months, since I have a free 3 month membership. Hopefully that will help me reach this goal.
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I'm busy making big plans in my head for all the stuff I want for the new house. I'm quite sure it will all have to wait until we can afford it!! The play room and the kitchen are constantly running through my head. I'd like one of those big wall organizers like this, or this, (but hopefully a lot cheaper!) and I'd like to put chalkboard paint on one part of the wall. A magnetic part of the wall would be cool too, but we'll have to see about that.
The kitchen has over twice as many cabinets as our kitchen now. I have a measly 14 (small) ones, and the new kitchen has 35! I'm dreaming of how nice that will be right now...
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Time to go finish tagging things for our garage sale in a few weeks. Garage sales are a lot of work, for little money. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just throw everything away or donate it to charity. I don't know of a charity that would want all our crap though.

yummy

I just had a really yummy lunch and I thought I'd share! d had Annie's Mac n Cheese, O had breastmilk. lol
I had a whole wheat tortilla with homemade guacamole, black beans and mozzerella cheese. YUM! Healthy and delicious.
Recipe for guacamole:
2 ripe avocadoes
lemon or lime juice (approx 1 tsp)
dash of salt
dash of pepper
dash of garlic
half can of Ro-Tel

Mix it all together and it's done. Easy!

question?

Do you get online while your children are awake? Does it make you feel guilty?
(I do. And yes, it does.)

How many hours of your day do you spend online? (I spend way too many, probably 3 or 4 hours a day total. Naptime is usually spent here unless I have a lot to do, and then after the kids go to bed. I also spend time on here in the morning when D is getting ready for work, and while d watches a little TV in the AM. Some days it's a lot less, like 30 min or an hour tops. Other days it's 4 hours. Just depends on what's going on and all that. Today I've already been online for 20 min and it's only 7 AM.)

random

1. D has gone into Super Saver mode now that we are buying a house. He gets paid good money as it is, but he gets more if he works overtime. To him, more is better.
SO I don't expect to see a lot of him in the next 6 months. Big financial decisions like this send him right over the edge.

2. O is 3 months old tomorrow. I simply can't believe that this could be true. How did this happen? He is weighing in at 17 lbs and getting mighty heavy in that baby carrier.






3. d is 2. I need more patience. I need a lot more patience. Two has proven to be a really trying age for us. It is funny and fun and aggravating and infuriating and amazing all at the same time.

4. O is getting baptized on the 21st. *EDIT*

5. I cleaned out my closet yesterday and WOAH! It was a disaster area. I am proud to say that I now have my maternity clothes piled in the bedroom instead, awaiting transfer to a tupperware container. Garage sale shoes/clothes are piled in another corner, and will probably stay there until we have an actual garage sale. Hey, at least the closet is clean. I bet D is regretting that little request. heh

6. Matching/coordinating clothes. Cute or lame?

colors

We picked out flooring, lights, countertops, cabinets, appliances and carpet. It was fun!! I, like a dummy, forgot my camera so I sadly have no pictures to share.
I can tell you that the name of our countertops are butternut granite. Doesn't that sound lovely?
The carpet is hayfield. ha! It's tan.
The appliances are bisque. (off white...) The cabinets are all a light birch and the floor in the foyer and dining room are a natural honey oak. It's going to be a dark gray brick with buff mortar and maroon shutters and doors. I'm in love!

We did it

We signed a contract last night. If all goes well, by December we should be stressed out, frazzled, nearly contemplating divorce and substantially poorer. At least we'll be in a new house.

I'll keep you all updated on the progress. The only progress so far is a SOLD sign on an empty lot. Hey, you gotta start somewhere...

Now, off to ponder colors, cabinets and flooring. The fun part!

dentist

I had a dentist appt this morning at 7am. Bright and early!

I wasn't looking forward to my hour or two away from the kids because I had to get 2 cavities filled. I haven't had a cavity since I was 5. I don't know what happened!! What's most infuriating is that I floss, brush and use mouthwash and D brushes. That's it. No flossing. No mouthwash. Hmph.

Anyway, it went about as well as the dentist can go I guess. I left numb and $250 poorer.
My poor mouth still hurts and I'm sitting here eating a slushy, which is all I can bear to "chew" at the moment.

If today was fun, then Wednesday should be a blast. I have my annual OB/GYN appt that day. Another torture filled hour or two away from the kidlets. I wouldn't want a repeat of last year.

Home Sweet Home

We did it. We found the perfect floor plan, the perfect lot and the perfect neighborhood.
We are going to put down a deposit and sign the initial contract today. It's so exciting!! The lot is .75 of an acre!! WOO! Much bigger than the other lots we've seen. The house has the perfect kitchen, great living room and good sized bedrooms. The master bath is to die for. :)
Can you tell I'm excited?! It takes 6 months to build, but I'm willing to wait for it.

Yellow lot - first choice, Green - second choice. Wildlife Preserve where trees are shown, and along the back too.
Thanks for pointing out my idiocy Kellie! oops.

houses

We saw 12 houses today. There were some we loved, some we liked, some real stinkers and one very cool OLD house that needed a blast into this century but the crabby granny who lived there wasn't too receptive. heh.

We have three front runners, and I have a clear favorite. Of course, it's the most expensive house we saw all day. Figures.

I'll give you the comparisons and you let me know what you think.
HOUSE 1:
2616 sq feet
4 bed 2 bath
One story
Fenced in, decent yard, .29 of an acre (park in walking distance 5-10 min)
LARGE awesome kitchen
BIG living room
Bedrooms & bathrooms all good
The only downside is white carpet in the living room and bedrooms.
$249,900
great neighborhood

HOUSE 2:
2466 sq feet
4 bed, 2.5 baths
bonus room AND loft/study
Two story
Fenced in, big yard with a duck pond out back (outside the fence in the common area)
.45 of an acre
Decent kitchen, not in love with it.
Small living room (very small.)
Upstairs has bedrooms (not master) and bonus and loft with built in bookshelves.
LOVE the 2nd floor, LIKE the first floor
$229,900
great neighborhood

HOUSE 3:
2460 sq feet
4 bed, 2.5 bath
Two story
AWESOME kitchen (except no pantry) & living room
Just OK yard, deck unfinished (neighborhood park right next door)
.28 of an acre
Upstairs ALL bedrooms - weird floor plan
Bathrooms are ugly, bedrooms are only OK
Small closets
$198,900
decent neighborhood


Or we could build, brand new.

2625 sq feet
4 bedroom, 2.5 bath
AWESOME kitchen and living room
Decent yard probably
Customize colors and floor plan to an extent
great neighborhood
NEW
$224- 240,000

More proof that Mother Nature is a bitch

O isn't even 3 months old and I'm exclusively breastfeeding. Yet, somehow, I got a visit from Aunt Flo today.

Mother Nature - you suck.


PS - I did get a chance to try out a product from this review. I must say, I'm impressed.

Just stuff

I feel like writing, but I'm having a hard time stringing my thoughts together.

I go through many days thinking that I spend too much time online, or that I should have a cleaner house, or teach one of the kids something other than how to respond to email or bake a cake. Then I hear about (and know) moms who have the same number of kids I do, and a maid, and they don't cook or clean, or work outside the home. Then I wonder what they do all day. Do they spend alllllllll the loooong day playing with their kids? Do they surf the net, watch TV, do other household stuff, go shopping, do major creative, cool crafts with their kids?
Just curious really. My husband would never go for a maid. The idea of it is nice, but would I like it in practice? I'm not sure. I think I would, if I could get over thought of some stranger touching my stuff.
I don't know why I'm even thinking about it. It's never gonna happen.

_______________________________

Tomorrow is the 4th of July. We're spending the day looking at houses. We have 12 on our list and some of them look very promising. I am being rather picky, because we intend to live in this house for a long time. There are a few things that I absolutely can't compromise on.
1 - a large kitchen. We have exactly 14 cabinets, 2 of which are those little ones over the fridge that are practically useless. I need a kitchen with a minimum of 20 large cabinets, or the space to add more.
2 - a decent back yard. We have kids and a dog who love being outside. We have a large pool, a playset and a huge trampoline. Not to mention a sandbox and some other outside stuff.
3 - 2300 sq feet minimum. If D expects at least 2 more kids outta me, we've got to have room to put them. We're living in almost 1800 sq feet now, and it's feeling smaller by the minute.
4 - I have to like the floor plan.

We'll see what happens.

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I made O's baptism cake today. He'll be baptised on the 21st of July. (that means another IL visit! yay! *EDIT*?)
The "frosting" of the cake is made with silken tofu, semi-sweet chocolate chips, agave nectar, and vanilla. It's like rich chocolate mousse. Seriously. I never would have believed it either.

____________________
I've lost 17 inches total since May 15th. I think that's damn good, even if I've only lost about 10 lbs since then. I have lost almost 30 lbs since O's birth.

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My parents finally figured out their webcam and we had our first video chat this morning. It was great for them to see the kids and for d to see them. Very cool.

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Our cat came in the house Sunday rubbing his butt on the floor and crying. He had a little present stuck in his hair and instead of rubbing it in the grass, decided to rub it on our freshly mopped floors. At 6AM.
I was not amused to have to mop again so soon. Cat and butt nugget were tossed rather roughly out the front door.

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Did I mention that C & A are O's godparents? They are. I'm so glad that we have them around, and that they're getting married. Also, that they'll be here for O's baptism (obviously) and it won't just be us and the IL's. *EDIT* It's just a weird situation. I wish I could fix it.

Toddler Truth

While laying in bed before 6 AM this morning.

d patting my stomach. "Squishy!"
Patting D's stomach. "Hard!"

hmph