It's been awhile.

It's been awhile since I've written a blog post of true substance. There are a few reasons for that.
1 - I'm exhausted and not feeling well.
2 - I'm feeling a little raw, emotionally.

There have been a lot of bad things happening lately. There has been a lot of tragedy and it's getting to me. It's making me hover over my children in the dark and watch them breathe. It's making me nervous to drive and anxious every time D goes to work.
And that's before I watch the news.

Yesterday, I learned that a friend lost her 8 month old little girl. She got tangled in her blankets during her nap. My heart is breaking for them.
This is on top of some other terrible losses lately.

I will be back, but I'm struggling a little bit right now and I'm trying to find my bearings.

Some Monday pictures

d playing with Daddy on the trampoline

O on the trampoline

Baby C, after enjoying O's birthday cake





I took these with our new camera, with the panoramic mode. I was trying to show you the whole back yard and I was also trying to figure out my new camera. heh

Garden is in the far right corner, the trampoline is just beyond view there, past the swing set (to the right)
The next picture is continued to the left, directly behind the house. It's really a HUGE back yard, and even with the panoramic view I'm not sure if you can tell, but I have to say that I'm impressed with that feature!
Basically, you take 3 pictures and the camera stitches them together for you. Viola!

PS - you can click on these pictures to make them bigger and you can see that the cat is a point of reference for the pictures and where they meet.

the in between

I'm officially in the "in-between." My regular clothes don't fit. My pants don't button comfortably and my shirts are too short.
My maternity clothes are way, way too big.

Thank goodness for bella bands and l o n g tank tops.

Also, being hot seems to make morning sickness worse so it could be a long summer.

Silent Sunday: Blessings in Pictures

Our garden, in progress.

What, you mean you don't read ALL my blogs?!

There has been some confusion over the fact that I'm pregnant again and whether or not it's announced... or not... or what.

Just in case you didn't realize it, I have a separate blog for baby stuff: http://all-dbaby.blogspot.com/

I did that because I have several readers who might appreciate being able to skip all the morning sickness, belly pictures, and hormonal vents. (Although I'm not sure you'll be able to escape those...)

Carry on!

The "screw it" list

Sorry, I just can't bring myself to say (or type) the F word. Call me a child, but it is what it is. Copying Semi-Desperate Housewife today.
I've had a junky week so far, I'm sick on top of morning sickness, the kids are crabby as can be and finding new! and fun! ways to get on my last nerve.
It seems like a good day for a "screw it" list. Basically, ten things you couldn't care less about doing before you die.

1 - Sky dive, bungee jump, ride roller coasters or anything daring or remotely scary.
I am a wuss. I hate these kinds of things and do NOT care for getting a thrill out of risking my life.

2 - Move again.
I hate moving. The sorting, throwing out, packing up, doing without, unpacking, losing something that you KNOW you packed SOMEWHERE and need RIGHT NOW! When we chose this house, it was with the intention that we would never have to move again. Will that happen? I don't know, but we're going to try.

3 - Be famous.
I have absolutely NO desire to be famous. I would hate people always watching me, stalking me, looking at me! I can't even open presents in front of people without getting uncomfortable, so being famous would be a nightmare.

4 - Be a green thumb.
I love beautiful yards. I love having a garden for what it produces. I love flowers.
I hate weeding. I hate planting. I don't even like dirt. I don't like the compost pile either, I just do it because it's good for the environment and it's great fertilizer. If I could hire someone to make our yard and garden and flower beds beautiful - I would. Providing they would get down on their hands and knees and pull weeds and no use chemicals. I don't mind weeds in the grass, as long as they're green and cut. I can't tell grass from weeds anyway. I've killed countless plants in my day anyway, so I doubt that I could become a green thumb, IF I even wanted to. (I don't. )

5 - Be a size 6.
I'll settle for a 10.

6 - Home school.
I think homeschooling is GREAT. I teach my kids at home now. I'm a former teacher, for goodness sake! However, I don't want to be solely responsible for their education for the rest of their childhood. I don't even know how I could balance the little kids needs with teaching the older ones. I've thought about this a lot lately because I think that the kids would get a FAB education this way, but... I really don't want to.

7 - Be a super girly girl.
I like the occasional pedicure, and I like to feel like I look good. However, I am not the kind of girl who likes to be dressed to the nines with perfect hair and manicured nails and spike heels.
Cute sandals and a nice top with capri pants is more my style.

8 - Travel.
Actually, I do want to travel; kind of. I like the idea of traveling, but in practice? It always turns out wrong. There are mishaps, way too many expenses, children who won't sleep, eat or do anything that proves you are a decent parent, and just general travel headaches. Maybe when we retire. Or when the last child moves out.
Let's see... I'll be 28 when LastBaby is born, so that would make me 46 when they (hopefully!) graduate high school and go off to college. Plenty of time to travel. (later.)

9 - Go back to work.
I guess I will want to do this someday. Except I don't know what I want to do or have any ambition at all right now. The thought of interviews, work clothes and performance reviews? No thanks.

10 - Be a sports nut.
I have never liked sports. Any of them. Despite trying to play basketball, soccer, and softball, I just don't care about sports at ALL.
(Bad luck for me that I married someone who loves them and now have 3 boys who seem to follow in his footsteps, huh?) I can stand rugby, but only because D plays it. If he's not playing - I'm not watching. I'm hoping that this will get me through the next 18 years of watching sports that my kids want to play. In fact, I've been signing d up for soccer this morning so it's already starting.

Hormones, hormones, everywhere!

Even though I know that pregnancy hormones are insane, I still seem to forget the intensity with which they can hit you.
Today alone, I have cried no less than 3 times. Once was during The View and once was during a commercial. None of the tears were over anything remotely important. In fact, I can't even remember why I teared up.

Also today, I have seen red several times, I have mourned the fact that the school year is almost over, that my children are getting older, and that I don't have enough energy to do much of anything. I have felt immense love when the kids were sweet, I have felt immense annoyance when they were not, and I have wished, several times, that there was some way to make the "I'm-going-to-puke-nevermind-no-I'm-not" feeling stop.

All of the normal emotions are still there but they are magnified by a tragoogle until you wonder if you are going insane. Isn't the first trimester so much fun!?

Earth Day

Pictures of spring are an appropriate way to post about Earth Day, right?

Our cute little Target sprouts.
The Wildlife Reserve behind my house.

A gumball. Not good for stepping on, mowing or eating.

The Daddy Bluebird who lives in our bird house.

Penny in our half grass, half mud back yard.

Spring & random updates

It's been a bad winter. d started preschool in late November and immediately, all 3 kids got croup. d got over his, but both O and C needed steroids. They then proceeded to catch every virus under the sun all winter long. There hasn't been a stretch of more than a week or two ALL WINTER where everyone was well.

We've battled croup, pink eye, numerous ear infections, common viruses, and now - the flu.

On Easter Sunday d got sick and in the next few days that followed, the other boys caught it too. Then D caught it. Then I got it.
We're all slowly getting over it, but not before another couple ear infections! Wheeee!!

I'm guessing we should have put a little extra money in our health care spending account this year.


BUT! Spring is here! Doesn't that mean that we won't get sick any more?! Please, pretty please!!

__________________

Remember that MP3 player I got? It stopped working after ONE WEEK. Sheesh. I sent it back so hopefully a replacement is on it's way to me now.

__________________

I got a new camera!! Our old one was still working, but some of the settings weren't focusing properly and the mic on the video part didn't pick up sound very well anymore.

__________________

We haven't had over night visitors since Christmas and none of my D's family since June. May will be a busy month. My in laws are coming the first weekend in May.
Best of all, my sisters (in law) and my brothers in law will be coming a couple of weeks later! I'm so excited!
__________________

Last time I was at Target, I picked up several of those teeny pots with seeds. We planted basil, tomatoes, zinnias and sunflowers and most of them have already sprouted! The kids thought it was great fun to mix the dirt and seeds too. I'll post pictures when I learn how to use to my new camera.

I'm still here.

Just living on soup and saltines and decaf coffee, trying not to gag at every dirty diaper and trying not to complain too much. :) I'll have pictures to share on May 4th, so until then, I'm afraid there won't be a lot of news to report!

Silent Sunday: My Blessings in Pictures

Faith

I spent all day yesterday reading Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain. I started at the beginning and read the entire thing. It took me all day, but the house was clean, the kids are sick and sleepy and once I started I could NOT stop.

Oh, the heartbreak. The faith, hope and love that emanates from her writing is unbelievable. I wept tears of wonder, empathy and heartbreak for them. It's been a long time since I cried that much.

What's even more incredible than her writing, is her faith. Their family has been through so much, and yet, they remain so faithful and loving towards God.

This post was the one that really touched me though. I felt like she was describing ME when she was writing about herself in the first part of the blog. I even did the Bible pointing finger. heh
I know that I don't talk about religion that much here, but I feel like I need to right now.

I've always believed in God. I've always been intrigued by the idea of Him, of Heaven, and most of all, faith. I've wavered over the years - God HAS to be real, but how CAN he be real? So much of having faith is feeling like you're blind and just having trust. That is not an easy thing for me to do.
As I've gotten older, my faith in God has become stronger. I've seen my children be born, I've marveled at sunsets and the weather and looked up at the stars and just known that He did all of it. But, I wouldn't say that my relationship with God has gotten that much stronger. I pray, but I feel like I'm just throwing the words up into the sky. I see the results of prayer, and I'm amazed, but I never feel like God is speaking to me, or at least not very often. (and I use speaking in a less than literal way...)

Lately, a lot of bad things have happened. Not to me, but to so many other people. I see people losing their husbands, who are far too young to leave their families. I see couples losing their babies, and children dying. I am confused and I am angry.
I don't understand why these things happen. I want to believe that I could be strong, that I could still trust in God if something bad happened to our family, but I don't know. I don't even like to think about it, because it seems like I'm asking for trouble. I think I'm too selfish to endure a trial like that and still come out worshiping God.

I want to feel closer to God, and yet, I'm not sure how. I try to read the Bible, but I can't get through it. I feel like I'm a spiritual, moral person, but not necessarily a religious one. I can count on one hand how many times we've been to church this year. It doesn't help that my church is not exactly the "right place" for us, as I've mentioned before.
I want to talk to my children about God, but it seems so hard to explain. I don't even understand and I'm 27! I read them stories sometimes from their little children's Bible, and we pray, but I want THEM to have a closer relationship with God, and I don't know how to provide it for myself - much less for them.

So, where am I on the road?

I'm ready to slow down and ask for directions.

Happy Birthday O Baby

Dear O,
I can hardly believe that you are turning 2 years old! There have been so many times when I've felt like you had to grow up too fast, but you never seem to mind!
By the time you were 8 months old, you were taking steps and chasing d through the house. You haven't slowed down since.

You are my funny little clown and make us all laugh on a daily basis. I love the way you talk and show off and you're becoming such a smart little boy.
You love numbers and letters and puzzles, you play pretend with astonishing imagination and, best of all, you say "I love you!" out of the blue.

You are an independent, happy, child with a strong will and a sweet heart. You are loud, boisterous, and a big time cuddle bug.

You love to talk on the phone and Skype and are completely in love with Grandma and Grandpa. You and your brothers are best friends, and it warms my heart like nothing else.


Happy Birthday sweet O.

Love,
Mama

Silent Sunday: My Blessings in Pictures

Happy Birthday to sweet O baby. He'll be 2 years old tomorrow.

Where I vent about my church

Last Sunday, we took the kids to church for the first time in... well... a long time. We sat in the very back because we knew that we would likely have to take either O or Baby C out when they got restless.

What went wrong:
1 - Church started 40 minutes late. (i.e. the kids used up their "good" before mass even began!)

2 - Mass was EXTRA long because it was Palm Sunday.

3 - Church doesn't allow snacks or drinks.

4 - Church has unreliable nursery, so the kids aren't used to going. Plus, d is too old for nursery and good in church and O freaks without him. Therefore - we don't use the nursery (when it's open.)

5 - Priest's homily began with "WELL! We sure have a lot of children in church today! Those little noises that are so cute at home can sure be annoying when you're in church. Think about that, parents." Paraphrasing but not exaggerating.

6 - Cue O's screaming fit and my red face as we slunk out the back. *sigh*

Part of this is our fault, because we haven't been to church in several Sundays. The list above though? SEVERAL of those happen every time. Children are not very welcome there. There's even a sign in the bathroom asking you not to leave dirty diapers in the trash! WTH?!
Shall we take them back into Mass with us?

There's no service for children, unless they're in Kindergarten. Frankly, I don't know how that makes ANY sense, because by 5 years old most kids can sit through church I would think. d is 4 and he does well most of the time. With 3 little ones we rarely make it there because it's become such a "thing." When the baby is born, I don't know HOW we'll EVER do it!

Here's the kicker: The church is also a Catholic school. Kindergarten through 8th grade.
There are a TON of kids that attend, and yet, kids really are made to feel unwelcome.
I'm so frustrated, and what's even more annoying is that there are very few Catholic churches in the area. The church we go to is already 15-20 minutes away and the next closest is probably 20-25 minutes. I haven't heard that it's much better but we may have to try it.
It's frustrating because I want my kids to learn and attend Mass, but I feel like we're not welcome. I need a new church home.

Is it a Catholic thing?

Parental guilt. It affects us all to some degree.

We don't take the kids to church. We feel guilty for not helping them grow spiritually.
We take the kids to church. We feel guilty because they were naughty and we didn't hear mass and the priest gave us a dirty look when we dragged the 2 year old out for the 2nd time.

We let them watch TV. We feel guilty for using the electronic babysitter.
We play with them instead. We feel guilty because we're sick of it after 15 minutes.

We have to, or want to, work. We feel guilty for not being there as often as we want to.
We stay at home. We feel guilty for needing time off too, and not "having it all."

Guilt for what we did.
Guilt for what we didn't do.
Guilt for what we should do, or will do or won't do or can't do.

As parents, we have to make lots of decisions. Big ones and little ones, and important ones and ones that we don't know anything about. We do our best and sometimes we guess. And sometimes we get it right! And sometimes we don't...

Often, guilt can be a good thing. It helps us see that we should spend a little more time playing with the kids and a little less time on facebook cleaning.
But, occasionally, it's just pointless guilt. Spoiling your child because you feel guilty that they don't have what their friends have is not just useless; it's harmful. Not only to your kids, but to yourself.

Everyone feels guilty about something. Our children benefit from parents who can make mistakes, learn from it, and move on. Parents who can be confident with their choices and push away inappropriate guilt. Parent's who know that sometimes there is no one to blame, it's just the way things are.

I forgot about this part...

Pounds gained: 0
Pants that fit comfortably: 0
Months pregnant I look by the end of the day: 4

Way Back Whensday; Extraordinary Hair

I got this idea from Tracy. Sorry there are so many! I was having too much fun! heh

First, me at 4-5 years old. My hair wasn't cut short, I just started growing it! My kids come by their baldness naturally!



7 years old, a typical hair cut. Thick bangs, long hair.


The next one is 2nd grade. Don't you remember the side pony? It was the 80's after all!



On to the 4th grade! A perm! (Why yes, it was the early 90's! How did you know?!) I'm on the left, my sister is on the right.


5th grade, in the Cinderella play. This one makes me cringe a bit. AWKward! I'm on the right this time, sister left, brother down in front.

7th grade, still in that awkward stage with the braces and not so great fashion sense...

9th grade. Ah. That's a little better. This is the year I met D!

17, almost 18 here, with D. My hair has a theme. (That theme is Not Good and Frizzy.)

Wedding rehearsal with my Dad. I was 20. My hair looked like this for a long time afterwards. I would alternate wearing it curly or fight and straighten it, but it's been around shoulder length since I was 19 or so.

Now. I took this last week with the web cam. I alternate between a pony tail and wearing my hair curly. It's still about shoulder length.
Join the fun! Leave a link!

Hot Topic

I usually try to refrain from talking about politics here, but I have something to say. ALL of us are Americans. We all belong here and we all love our country.

Liberal is NOT a dirty word, nor does it mean that you are a bad, immoral person who doesn't care if babies die and wants socialism to take over.
Conservative is NOT a dirty word, nor does it mean that you are a religious zealot, don't care about the poor and hate the environment.

We are, all of us, people first. Losing sight of that is not good for anyone.

Mother's Day

Guess what holiday is coming up? That's right, Mother's Day!

Over the years, it's been established that my husband isn't the best gift giver. Often, he doesn't pick out anything and tells me to just "buy something I like." Other times, he buys something and hands it to me in a plastic bag from the store. He isn't a gift person, so he doesn't get it.
Personally, I take pleasure in picking out the perfect gift and wrapping it just so and watching the person's face as they open it. I LOVE giving gifts!
I've finally realized that if I want something I might as well buy it myself. This year, for mother's day, I really wanted an MP3 player. I did a ton of research over the weekend and listened to all of your recommendations, here and on Facebook.

I was strongly leaning toward an iPod Nano. They do everything I need, they come in great colors and aren't too expensive. (~$130)
BUT - then I realized they don't have a RADIO! ACK! I love to listen to the radio and I knew I would regret having an MP3 player without one.
My sister told me about the Sandisk Sansa View, which is a lot like an iPod Nano, except it has the radio AND it has a memory card slot if you want to expand your memory. Downside? No cool colors. I really wanted purple.
However, the Sansa View was a lot cheaper as well, and I couldn't stomach paying so much more just because I wanted purple.

I used Tiger Direct dot com and got my MP3 player for less than $60!! And it has 8GB of memory, which is probably more than I'll ever use!! Happy Mother's Day to me!

What is on your wish list for Mother's Day?

thinks

Things I've been thinking about:

- Unless I potty train O soon, I could have THREE in diapers! Yipes! (he'll be 2y 8m in December)

- I thought December would be a good due date month because it's in the winter, and I'm only REALLY big at the end. I failed to remember that December is often warm enough for short sleeves here AND I'll be 20 weeks by mid-late July, and August is usually our hottest month.
On the plus side, I bought some really cute maternity shorts.

- I looked back over past pregnancies and this is me around 22 weeks, so definitely not small:


Unless you compare that to me at 37-ish weeks, which is decidedly bigger. heh
I feel excited about being so pregnant again, it's still kind of sinking in that I'll look like that one last time, by the end of this year...



- Did you know it costs $150 to ship an 84lb crib from Alabama to California?

- I'm already thinking about baby names. We've had a girl name picked out for ages: Lila Katherine
A boy name is harder. I was playing around on Nymbler and these are definite possibilities (for me, D might hate them...) :
Marc
Nate
Zeke
Coen
Kyle
Kent
Beau
Gage
Jude
Reed
Cole
Levi

- Giving up coffee is hard.

No mistaking that line...

EDD: December 12th

Silent Sunday: My Blessings in Pictures

Spring

MP3?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person left on Earth who doesn't have an MP3 player, or an iPod, or whatever.

Here's the thing; I want one, but I am ignorant! WHAT is the difference?! What do they do? (Besides play music, obviously.)
HOW do I get music on it? Suggestions, brands, what to avoid? HELP!!!

+

Huh.

Apparently, my body actually COULD have been playing an April Fool's joke on me.
The lines are VERY light. Very.
The top test is from yesterday and it's faded a bit. The bottom two are from this morning and I think the middle one is pretty clear - though light.

They showed up better in person, but taking pictures of an HPT is not exactly easy!


So, here comes TMI! STOP reading if you can't take it! STOP HERE.










I was spotting yesterday. My temp was down (I chart, look right for the link) and I was crampy.
My temp is still down this morning and spotting is little, but not gone. I'm worried that this could be a chemical pregnancy or a non-sticky pregnancy. BUT - Baby C's pregnancy started much the same way and I had spotting with d too. Hopefully it doesn't mean anything. Right now I'm just crossing my fingers and praying.

It's only 8:15...

I've already cleaned up a broken piggy bank, 100 toothpicks on the floor and one spilled cup of water.
I've also gotten 3 children dressed, teeth brushed and changed 2 dirty diapers.
I've fed 3 children and 2 adults breakfast, done the dishes and emailed 3 people.
I've gotten myself dressed, obsessed over something beyond my control, "fixed" my hair, put on my shoes and found my cell phone - slobbered on.

It's 8:20 now. Off to take d to school and get gas and then go to the bank. Naps, chores, lunch and pick d up. Then we have more napping (hopefully) and playtime, then a play date if the weather is good. Then dinner.
Then, finally, it will be bedtime. Can I take the rest of the day off?

Breakfast

For breakfast, consumed by the children:

1 dozen strawberries
9 sausage links
2 egg yolks
1 large banana
several poached bites of scrambled eggs from Daddy
milk

Can I expect that to triple when they are teenagers?!

Well

Unless my body is playing April Fool's jokes on me, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have a 2009 baby. Better luck next month.