Around

I didn't realize it's been over a week since I blogged!

We signed all three boys up for soccer this fall and that has been taking up 2 evenings a week. Luckily, O & C are on the same team and they have a coach we know well, as well as several play mates on the team. Watching 3 & 4 year olds play soccer? Adorable and highly entertaining!
d is also playing and he is actually really good, and he's always been highly competitive so this is right up his alley. D is helping both coaches run practice, and I think he likes it more than he thought he would. He even skipped rugby practice last week because it's the same night as d's soccer practice! (I had a hard time picking my jaw up off the floor.)

d

C is 2nd, O is 4th

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We took all the kids camping over the weekend. It was absolutely gorgeous weather and the kids had a ball! I forgot how dirty everyone/thing gets when you go camping. Yeesh.
We don't have a camper or anything, so it's just a big tent in the woods. We made s'mores which was kind of a flop. They preferred the marshmallows alone.
We went to the observatory and planetarium which was a HUGE mistake because it was incredibly boring (kids don't care about Johannes Kepler and neither do I) and the littlest 2 were awful. We had to leave early. (never again.)
No one slept that much, but we still had fun overall. I wouldn't say I'm in a rush to do it again in the next few days or anything, but the kids are excited to do it again really soon.

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We had a storm shelter installed in our garage and it necessitated that we actually CLEAN UP the garage. Our garage is temporarily making me extremely happy; and I can promise I have NEVER said that before.
We bought four of these RAD bicycle hoists and now our garage has SO much more room! (We had to buy bigger lag bolts, so know that if you buy the same kind.)
D also hung a board with nails on one wall, and we were able to hang up a lot of things. Previously, everything on the wall or ceiling was on the floor, so yeah... it was a mess.

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I'm currently tagging things for a consignment sale and although I have no emotional attachment to most of the things I'm selling, there is one thing throwing me for a loop.
The highchair.
We have had a highchair in this house for 6.5 years and it's going to be very weird not to have one all of a sudden. It just brings home the point that my last baby is growing up.

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I'm about to brag on d for a minute SO, if that sort of thing makes you want to throw up in your mouth, just skip this part.

D went to have lunch with d on Monday and he told me that his teacher was bragging on him the whole time. She said he's very smart, and doing so well in math and, even better, he's reading like he's halfway through 3rd grade! (He's in 1st) As an avid reader, that made me really proud!

/brag

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In one week, O & C start preschool. I'm not sure who is more excited, them or me! I also turn 30 in less than a week, but who's counting?

Dear ...

Dear Knology,
Your customer service sucks. Our Internet goes out DAILY, our DVR has never worked right and despite multiple calls over the years, we've never gotten these issues resolved. On top of that, your prices have risen almost $60 PER MONTH since we signed up with you three years ago. Our complaints are met with a $15-20 "discount" for a few months and then it goes right back up.
Guess what? DirecTV is half your price and way better.
No Longer Yours,
So There

Dear Parents of d's Classmates,
I like the teacher's idea of signing up for snacks, where we all send enough for the class for the week. However, HEALTHY snacks are NOT fruit roll ups, Cheetos, and Ice Pops.
Signed,
Don't Feed Them Crap Every Day

Dear Children & Kittens,
Getting up in the five o'clock hour everyday is making Mama very crabby. From now on, there is to be no playing and/or jumping in your beds, no talking slash meowing, no running in and out of the shower curtain, slamming the potty lid, jumping on my face/feet/head/back, or begging to eat before 6AM.
You could all learn a thing or two from the dog! 
Love,
Give Me a Break!

Dear d,
I can't believe the Tooth Fairy has come twice in one week!! You read chapter books on your own, you help with the baby, and you are incredibly thoughtful for a child your age. You are growing up right before my eyes, and I can hardly stand to blink, for fear you will be grown up before I know it.
Love,
Mama

Dear O,
You tell me everyday that you will start Kindergarten soon. You are so excited to be big like d, and to go to the big school. You have really matured a lot in the last few months and although you are in a hurry to grow up, I want you to stay little a while longer.
Love,
Mama

Dear C,
You seem to have a special need lately to be near me, and I am enjoying the sweet side of you. You want hugs and kisses and tickles and all the attention you can get. I love how you can be playing football or swinging a bat or hammer one minute, and the next you need a big hug. I'm enjoying every one, because I know one day you won't want so many.
Love,
Mama

Dear Miss L,
I had no idea what having a daughter would mean to me. I love all four of you more than life itself, but I feel especially blessed to have the chance to have a daughter. Your brothers and Daddy seem to feel the same way, and they all dote on you, and you adore every second of it.  You really completed our family.
Love,
Mama

Dear Parents,
Please move down here.
Love,
PLEASE
PS- I wouldn't mind not hearing about the end of the world anymore either. 

Dear Tomatoes,
I hate to say this, but I'm starting to get sick of you. I'll miss you in January, but I cannot possibly enjoy you more today.
Love,
Sick of Salsa

Dear Me,
You are about to turn 30. The big three oh.Yup.
You've been thinking about it for months, and here it is.
Not sure how to feel.
Love,
30 is the new 20

Dear Boys,
Every day I walk into your bathroom and ask myself two questions. 1 - Why is the floor wet?! and 2 - Do I really want to know?
Love,
Please Learn to Aim

For life?

I mentioned in my last post that I went to the doctor, finally. I knew I needed to go but put it off for months and months. I was having almost daily headaches, dizziness anytime I turned around, and suddenly a new symptom developed; shortness of breath and a feeling like my heart was pounding. I would check my pulse and it seemed normal, but I was convinced I was going to die of a heart attack  and the headaches meant that I had a brain tumor, or cancer... or something.
The more I thought about all the awful things that must be wrong with me, the worse I felt. 
Then, I found a lump and my OB suggested a mammogram (which came back fine) and that really convinced me that I needed to just suck it up and call around and find a doctor. I ended up going with one that some friends use, and like.

I made the appointment, and the night before there was an awful storm. I didn't sleep much that night because I was terrified. Storms have always made me nervous, but since the horrible tornado outbreak on April 27th, I can't even handle a little thunder or wind without coming undone. I kept hoping that as time passed, it would get better.
The day of the appointment, I was so nervous! I had to drive to an unfamiliar part of town and the weather wasn't great and I was just... a mess. I filled out a bazillion forms and finally got called back, weighed (yay) and measured, and spoke with the nurse about my symptoms. She input all the info and came back with two forms. I knew at a glance that they were for anxiety and depression because you don't see questions like, "Do you have suicidal thoughts?" (no) on regular questionnaires.
I filled them out honestly, resisting the urge to answer like I knew I "should" and pretend everything was alright. I had come for help, and I might as well be honest about it.

The doctor came in and we discussed the symptoms I was having and we agreed to do some blood work. My b/p, heart rate, lungs, ears, etc, were all fine. She asked how many kids we had, if we had family in the area, if we got out much without the kids, and how old they were. She brought out the questionnaires and said I tested mild on the depressed scale and moderate - high on the anxiety one. She said all my symptoms can be related to anxiety & depression. She was very kind and understanding, and of course, I started crying. I don't know what happened! I just get overwhelmed when people show sympathy towards me, and I was sleep deprived and an anxious mess and I guess I had avoided talking about it for so long that finally talking about it was hugely emotional.
She asked if I would be willing to try a medication to help with the anxiety and I said I would, although I was struggling with it. We did bloodwork, and I made a follow up appointment and she sent me home with a prescription and a worry about how D would feel about it.

I still thought that the physical symptoms I was having were something else. Thyroid? Heart problem?
 Something!
But, I knew that I do have anxiety and it was getting hard to deal with, so I hoped that this would help and then we could focus on the other stuff. D reacted about like I thought he would. He's a person who does not understand anxiety or depression, so I expected his reaction to be as it was. He wasn't totally unsupportive, but he was skeptical. 
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I've been taking (generic) Celexa for almost 2 weeks now and I think that it's helping me a lot. There are times I still get some of the same symptoms, but overall they are GONE, and I feel a lot better. I'm not feeling as down, physically I feel better, and my outlook on life is certainly better. I'm not so angry anymore, I have more patience, and I had virtually NO PMS this month. (which, omg, awesome side effect FTW!) I'm a better mom too, because when you feel crappy all the time, it's hard not to let it get to you, and in turn, your kids.
I don't know if we have the dose right, or if the medication is in full effect, but I think we're on the right track.
D is extremely supportive now, because he sees how much better I'm feeling, how much happier I am and that I'm still ME.

I'm struggling a little bit, internally, with being on a SSRI. I've been keeping it to myself, mostly, because it's hard to say, "Oh yeah, I'm doing good. Just started an anti-depressant. What's up with you?"

I have questions bouncing around in my head.
Why can't I handle this on my own?
What will my friends/family/husband/parents think of me?
Do I *really* need it?
Is this forever?

All I know right now is, I feel better than I have in months, and for that -  I'm grateful. 

50 pounds of beans

 My parents came to visit last week, which is part of the reason I've been MIA. I love it when they visit because they are grown ups and they keep me company and the kids adore them. Also, my mom likes to cook and helps clean and my dad always needs projects to do, so lots of things get done. We got an outdoor shower put up, and he balanced the fan in the living room that I messed up when I was throwing a bean bag over the couch while cleaning up, and he helped D put up fans in both boys' rooms. Oh, and he straightened the fence that got smashed by 2 different storms back in April.
PLUS! D & I went on an actual date. First time since March!
We went to dinner and a movie, which is pretty standard fare as far as dates go, unless of course you only go out on dates twice or three times a year, and then it seems pretty damn fancy.
(Side note: go see Horrible Bosses! Hilarious!)

So, anyway... it was a good visit. Of course, they're gone now and that sucks. I keep trying to convince them to move down here so they can go to the kids soccer games, and be here for Halloween and Sunday dinners, and they want us to move up there, so that when the US economy collapses we can live together on a farm and milk goats and grow tomatoes and shoot squirrels and such.
They are BIG time into disaster preparedness lately and frankly it's starting to kind of freak me out. I mean, yeah, the economy is in the crapper and politicians suck and all, but I don't think our entire society is going to collapse. Um, right?
I'm not saying it's not possible, it's just... well... I guess I just can't (don't want to?) believe that could happen.
I don't know if it's because it's just too scary to think about or what.

Anyway, my mom made me buy MYSELF this book for her birthday, as my birthday present to her, uh... me?

It's actually really informative, but anxiety keeps me from reading very much of it at a time. Thinking about some of the worst case scenarios, and trying to raise a family in them, makes me very nervous. I don't know what to think.







If I don't start stocking up on dried foods, they may send me a box of beans for Christmas. 

Well. The doom and gloom portion of today's post is now over.












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I went to the doctor, thanks to Twitter and bloggy and in person friends for yelling at me! I'm feeling a lot better! A LOT. I'm having mixed feelings about this whole process, so that will have to be another post for another day.

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I went to a flea market with my parents and at one booth they had tons of purses. Bedazzled purses! Some of them had The Pope on them. Bedazzled. Really.
I wish, wish, WISH I'd had a camera with me. I might have to go back one weekend and buy one just because it would make an awesome gift. I mean, really. Who WOULDN'T want a dazzling Pope purse?

school days & fashion sense

d started first grade today! I can't believe how fast his baby years flew by. My boy is getting big. 

I also can't believe how much I've gotten done today, and it's not even 2:00. Having the school-morning routine really gets me going on the rest of my day! I've packed a lunch, made breakfast, done dishes, cleaned the kitchen, made lunches, put kids down for naps, vacuumed, shampooed the carpet, cleaned all 3 bathrooms, did 2 loads of laundry and edited some pictures. 

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Miss L has her own unique fashion sense. 

Tubes, mammos, and other stuff

* Yesterday morning, Miss L got tubes put in. After her hernia surgery, I was pretty laid back about it. It was very fast. We had to be there at 6 and it's across town, so that was about a 5AM wake up call, but I was home by 8.  I took her by myself, and everything went smoothly.

* Last week at my OB/GYN appointment, I mentioned a spot that's been bothering me and she thought I should have a mammogram. I was surprisingly not all that freaked out about it, although I was nervous this morning. The place I had it done was spectacular! They were fast and friendly. But not TOO friendly, because that would have felt weird since I didn't have on a shirt or bra the whole time I was there.

I had an ultrasound done first, because of my age. I was by far the youngest person there, and it felt odd because many of the old ladies seemed to assume that there was probably something wrong with me, and then I started wondering if there was too.
They didn't really see anything, so then I had a mammogram too. (Double fun!)
It wasn't too bad, but unfortunately, the lump/spot is near my armpit (hate that word) area, so it was a bit of an uncomfortable position, and now that side is achy from too much squishing.
\he showed the doctor the pictures and he wanted more. I started to get a little worried then, but I guess he just wanted a better look. So, I really had 2 mammograms and an ultrasound today. After she showed him the second set, she said I could go home and was "all good." So... I'm assuming that means I don't have anything to freak out about, but since I was in the waiting room I didn't really want to ask for clarification. I assume I'll get a phone call either way, but for now I'm firmly in a non-worried state.

* Remember those headaches I complained about awhile back? They are still hanging around, but they aren't as bad. But, I notice I get dizzy if I turn my head too fast, and the last couple of days I have had a few episodes where I suddenly feel short of breath and my heart pounds. They seem random, in that I don't necessarily have to be doing something strenuous, or be nervous about something. It's weird. And really scary.
I tried to get D to call the doctor and make me an appointment while I was getting the mammogram this morning, but he didn't do it. Gah.
I'm going to call today - I swear.