Sad faces

C & Miss L had surgery for their Trigger Thumb today. Luckily, the surgery center called us around 6:40 and asked if we could come in early. (We were supposed to be there by 7:30) Their first appointment had to cancel for some reason. So, we hopped in the car - luckily we were mostly ready - and got there by 7. Miss L cried the whole way because she wanted a snack. Not eating or drinking beforehand is one of the worst parts of surgery! Before:

Miss L is still ticked she doesn't get to eat.

The kids both went with nurses without tears and the nurses and doctor said they did very well. I was worried that waking up from anesthesia would be hard, but Miss L did GREAT. She didn't cry once, which is completely opposite of the terror she was after her hernia surgery last summer.

She was pretty happy when I pulled applesauce and crackers out of my purse for her!

C had a harder time waking up. His surgery took a little longer too, since he had both thumbs fixed. He had the shakes, which I had each time I had an epidural, so I know that sucks. He finally woke up enough to keep some juice down and we got to head home.

The worst part is these giant bandages and trying to keep them clean and dry for a week -10 days. (ha!)
The doctor did say if they need to come off we can just put a band aid on them, so hopefully things will work out just fine. No swimming or baths (showers are ok in a couple days) for 2 weeks.

Yummy & Other Stuff

I found this recipe on Pinterest (where else?!) and made it for a dinner we were invited to last weekend. It was SO good and not very unhealthy as far as frosting goes. It tastes like marshmallows and it's super easy to pipe and it keeps it's shape and OMGit'sSOGOOD. Here is what my cupcakes looked like:

Here's the link to the original recipe and the recipe is below. For once, I followed it exactly because it was perfect and needed no tweaking:
4 egg whites
1 cup white sugar
1 pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
Place everything except the vanilla in a double boiler. (Or, if you're fancy like me, in a pot over a pot of boiling water.)
Whisk the mixture constantly over simmering water for about 5 minutes. (until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is hot)
Pour the mixture into your mixing bowl and beat the heck out of it for 3 minutes or so. It gets very fluffy and that's how you know it's done. It should not be runny.
(1pt+ per serving for WW if you make it 24 servings)

I see so many possibilities for this recipe! Can you imagine this fluff in whoopie pies? MMMMM!

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I'm struggling with anxiety again, and it seems exacerbated for 2 weeks a month, due to hormones. When I struggle with hormones and anxiety I also fight with my weight even more than usual. So, WW is not going well the last couple of weeks. I gained a pound at my last weigh in, but I'm working to get back on track.
I hate that it's never easy, and likely it never will be.

I don't want to struggle with my weight. I want to lose this stupid weight and be done with it once and for all. I KNOW that in the last week I slipped and didn't try very hard and didn't make time for exercise and that is why I gained. I CAN lose, but it's hard and I just got tired of hard for a little bit.  Sometimes I can only handle so much at once and last week my diet was not one of the things on the list.

I don't want to have anxiety that makes it hard to breathe. I don't want to spend my life worrying and stressed out, with my heart pounding in my ears. I don't want to live inside my head with all the thoughts that sound irrational out in the light of day.

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We've now completed 15 days of homeschool. Most days have been good, there have been some that were rough. It's a learning experience, right now, trying to figure out what works and how to manage my time with all the kids. We are figuring it out, and I'm very much enjoying seeing O reading and d is very into science and history - 2 subjects that weren't even touched on at school.

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Monday is surgery day! C & Miss L will be going in for surgery on their thumbs. I'm nervous, although I know it's a simple procedure. I hate them having to be put under for anything, and am not looking forward to The Crazy when they come out of it.
Positive thoughts are appreciated!

I think I actually *like* this.

I almost hate to say it, but, you guys... I think I actually *like* homeschooling. I mean, I've only been doing it a whopping 8 days, but so far I'm surprised by how much I don't hate it. I already see the challenges and rewards of doing it this way, but forget the kids for a minute.

I like it. ME. I feel like I've gone back to work, except I still don't get paid. On the other hand, I don't have to get dressed up.
I'm more productive overall, and my brain? It's functioning more fully again, on an intellectual level. I'm only teaching elementary subjects, but re-learning history and doing science experiments and refreshing my mind about parts of speech is actually quite enjoyable. (I'm not as dumb as I've been feeling! I used to be good at this stuff!)
It's not like I couldn't have been learning and keeping my brain awake before, but the truth is that I really didn't make time for it. Like so many other things; I'll do it for the kids but not for myself.

I still reserve the right to start hating it at any minute and/or complain about it at any time. Just so you know.

Today was not my day.

Today was supposed to go like this:
D stays home, I take 2 younger kids to quick doctor's appointment, then we take the whole family to the water park with our FREE passes! Fun family day. The End.

Today went like this:
D stays home. Kids are incredibly whiny. 3 of the 4 have had a slight fever over the weekend or on Monday with no other symptoms. I take kids to doctor's appointment (which involves me going to the 2nd floor and dealing with a rude receptionist that finally points me to the right floor - 5th. Oops.)
The "quick" doctors appointment took almost 2 hours and I had water and some paper and pens. And that's it. No snacks. (ROOKIE MISTAKE) The kids weren't that bad, but they do BOTH have to have surgery* (WTF?) and it cost me $60. (with the promise of much more, I'm sure, after surgeries!) I finally got home (Miss L fell asleep by now) and d is taking a nap. The 7 year old put himself to bed, for goodness sake. So, now he's sick too and the water park is off. I finish up the school day with O, and give d the rest of the day off. I set about doing the 4 loads of laundry. I dump it on the bed and it smells... bad. Really bad. I ask D if he happened to leave the basket on the floor in the laundry room and he can't remember.  (?!) The cats have a disgusting habit of peeing in the laundry basket if it's on the floor in the laundry room, especially if they happen to be mad about something. (They are on a diet, so yeah, they're pissed.)
I'm sure you see where I'm going with this, right? I had to re-wash all the freakin' laundry. The rest of the day was fine. I got to go through two huge boxes of pristine clothes handed down to Miss L and she is SET for at least a year for only the cost of shipping. We even had a water gun fight after dinner where I took my frustrations of the day out on D for leaving the damn laundry on the floor.

*they both have trigger thumb (C actually has it in both thumbs) and have to have surgery.

Half & Half

Today was our first day of school for this year. I'm half insanely excited, thrilled, and hopeful and half completely terrified.
For a person that already worries more than anyone should, this endeavor is more than a little scary. (I read a story about a tombstone killing a 4 year old and promptly announced to D that we could never again go to a graveyard. Not that we ever really do... *ahem*) 

 If there's a gap in their education, or they aren't learning what they're supposed to; it falls on me. So, now I'm not only responsible for their behavior, teaching morals, general care and upbringing but also their entire education. This is both amazing (just think of all we can do!) and terrifying. If they succeed I get to take some credit! If they fail I guarantee the fingers will point at me. 
On the other hand, I have no intention of failing. 

I'm pretty sure half my family thinks I'm completely and totally insane and possibly very weird. The other half thinks I'm amazing and fabulous and a saint. Since neither of those is actually true I'm not sure what to tell either half.

For a people pleaser, knowing that at least half the people you know and/or love think you are bonkers is quite disconcerting. I try not to let it bother me, and I have pretty high hopes that one day it won't. Someday, I will be this lady:

In other news, the kids did really well today. We did 3 solid hours this morning of language arts and math. C & Miss L even joined in. I figure it can't hurt to let them tag along and learn some things too. They really do love to learn, and I hope that we can hold on to that.
After that, we had a nice long recess, PE, lunch, and when the 2 little kids went to nap we did another hour of school work. (Science 2 days a week, History 2 days)

All in all it wasn't half bad.

I don't understand...

... why my children have no sense of self preservation. They can never tell when mommy feels ready to snap and just.keep.pushing.

... why nap time is like torture.  I promise you, children, there will come a day when you WISH someone would put you in a dark room for 2 hours every afternoon and tell you to sleep.

... why, after almost 15 years together, my husband still doesn't take my subtle hints.

... and why, after almost 15 years together, do I expect him to suddenly get it?

... why I have to suffer from anxiety and why I can't control it.

... why my children never seem to tire of me and always love me with such gusto and enthusiasm. They have taught me more about love and family than anyone else could have.

... some of the things that come out of my mouth. They don't even make sense to me, sometimes, much less the kids. Think before you speak should be my new motto.

... why someone hasn't invented much faster, safer, cheaper travel. (That's not too much to ask, is it?) That way I could easily see everyone I love without the giant pain in the a$$ that is traveling with small children. Or, even better, they could come see me.

What's new

So, I kind of disappeared for the last couple weeks...
I thought about writing, but didn't really feel like it, I guess. In that time I've lost 2 more pounds, the kids are going crazy with boredom inside because it's ridiculously hot (even for June/July in AL), and we took a short trip to visit my parents and D left us there while he went on a fun brothers' weekend in Chicago.

 His trip was fun! Mine was... less fun. It was great seeing my parents and grandparents and other family members, but traveling with 4 kids, WITH D, is hard. Doing it without him was really hard. We went to a family reunion where I pretttttty much didn't get to talk to anyone because the kids wanted to swim the whole time and I was too nervous about them drowning to focus on anything else. (Even though they all had life jackets. C actually started to fall asleep in the pool and I had to force him to get out. He fell asleep for 2 hours on a lounge chair! This child never falls asleep randomly like that - EVER!)

If you know C at all, you won't be surprised that he's in a green chair.

 I spent most of the day in the pool, and it was H.O.T. My parents seemed annoyed that we needed to leave "so early" but we were there from about 10AM - 5PM and anyone with small kids knows that is a VERY LONG TIME to be at a function. (Especially a function with very few kids their age, and nothing to do except the pool or a pool table --- heavy, hard balls in the hands of children who think balls are for throwing! eek) Plus, the general not-enough-sleep and lax rules that abound on trips such as this make things harder.
Annnnyway, my parents might not really want us to come up for the next one. Ha!
So yeah, the next vacation needs to be mine. With no kids.
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On Monday we're starting school. I've picked all our curriculum, made lesson plans, and we're ready to go! I figured we might as well start while it's still HOT outside and we're inside most of the day anyway. We're taking more breaks throughout the year, and I've planned them for the time we usually travel to see family (Thanksgiving, New Year's, Easter) and a nice long fall break right around my birthday, because we're going to the beach. The flexibility is certainly nice!
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Have I mentioned it's hot? I know a lot of you are feeling it too. We've set up the water slide but it's so hot out that we only go out at 8 AM or 7 PM. Even then, I'm the kids are too hot after about 30 minutes out there. I have never listed summer among my favorite seasons. In fact, it's dead last. Fall, Spring, Winter, Summer. (Unless you ask me in the winter and then I would say, Fall, Spring, Summer, Winter) Yep. My dream location is somewhere that stays around 70-75 year round. Oh, and has no severe weather, or wildfires or earth quakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, etc. I assume if there was somewhere like this, it would be so crowded I wouldn't want to live there.
I'm feeling for all the people without electricity right now. When we lived in VA, a hurricane came through and we were without electricity in the heat of the summer for a WEEK. I wanted to die. Thank goodness we didn't have kids at the time. 
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We're picking about 20-30 tomatoes a day right now. I've made tons of salsa, tomato pie, and homemade tomato soup. I'm eating grilled cheese/tomato sandwiches for lunch, and tomatoes in my eggs for breakfast and freezing bags to use through the winter in place of canned tomatoes. I love homegrown tomatoes but I feel like I have permanent acid reflux.