I just noticed that I forgot to write a birthday letter to my first born, who turned NINE almost 2 weeks ago. I think I was in such a funk that it just slipped my mind. We aren't doing parties this year because I just can't handle it with the house situation. We had a lovely birthday weekend though. He wanted to go bowling and out to lunch, and that's what we did. So, anyway, this guy is nine now:
He's smart, he's funny, he's stubborn and a perfectionist. He is like a mini version of his father, but he has a soft heart like me. I'll never forgot the awe I had of him when he was a baby. It was such an experience to see this little person, to know we had made him and that he was part of us and look! He can do things and has traits from us and ... well, we were typical first time parents with stars in our eyes. We've changed, but oh what a wonderful experience that was. Nine years flew by in the blink of an eye.
Remember how I posted about being happier than this time last year in my New Year's post? Apparently, the universe heard this and decided it would not do.
It's ridiculous how fast I can go from perfectly happy to perfectly miserable. A bunch of different things (unsuccessful/stressful house selling, major medical issues in the family, a big fight and unresolved conflict, to name a few) combined to make me feel like saying I was happier was now a big fat lie.
D is making good on his New Year's Resolution to spend more time on himself, but that leaves even less time for me to do the same. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm sinking. I vacillate between feeling that everything is hopeless and telling myself to stop being such a big baby; I have a pretty great life. Whether I have a great life or not, I'm struggling.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living two different lives at the same time. On the outside life goes on as normal, and I go out and do fun things with the kids and live life and things are fine - but on the inside I'm easily annoyed and hurty and over analyze every little thing and cry when I'm in bed at night because well... everything.
I've been refraining from posting here because I've been in that hopeless
state where nothing matters and no one cares anyway and EVERYTHING IS
TERRIBLE. But, I know that's a lie and I'm trying very hard to be
positive and hope the happy comes back.
For Lent, I'm writing down 3 things every day that I'm grateful for.
Some days it's just that I had time to watch a movie after the kids went
to bed, but there is always something to be grateful for.
Yesterday, this movie made my list because it made my morning brighter.
